If You Say So
by vampirediva07
Summary: Re-write of the first part of season 9...Lexie has lived, but is she really living?


_It's been seven whole days without your embrace  
I wanna see your face  
I got some things to say  
Was just a week ago  
You said I love you girl  
I said I love you more  
And a breath, a pause, you said, if you say so  
If you say so  
If you say so_

Lexie stood outside the door of the apartment, _his_ apartment, keys in hand, bracing herself for the flood of emotions that were about to hit her like a speeding car into a brick wall. It had been a week since the crash that changed everyone's lives and three days since the funeral, but she still could not believe it was real. Wrapping her mind around it was impossible since everything had been…normal before it happened. And then the crash happened…and Lexie lay beside the love of her life as he was trapped underneath the wreckage of the plane, telling her that he loved her and that he wanted a life with her. She told Mark they would have that life, begging him to hold on for help, pleading with him to not leave her so that they could get married and have a family, but he just couldn't.

The keys in her hand were cold as she fiddled with them, biting back her tears as she unlocked the door and pushed it open. Callie had given her the keys, but it had taken her three more days to work up the courage to come here after the funeral. But she was here now and she had to face it.

Inside the apartment seemed so cold without him there, lighting up the room with his smile and candor. She thought of the countless nights they spent here when they were living together, staying up late to watch random old movies and cooking in the kitchen because they didn't want to order out anymore. The couch where she would curl up with her morning coffee with him on their days off was still there, marking her presence as she had picked it out with him when they moved in together. He had kept it, even after they broke up the second time, which brought tears to Lexie's eyes as she touched the familiar fabric and thought of the other mornings she and Mark spent on this couch.

"Oh Mark…" she whispered, wishing he were here to wrap his arms around her and hold her close.

Warm tears fell down her cheeks as she reached for one of his jackets, picking it up and wrapping it around her shoulders, letting his familiar scent fill her nose. A scent she became intimately familiar with as his girlfriend…one which was comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. It was warm and musky, like Mark had been, with a hint of his aftershave. And this jacket had been one that she knew was his favorite, but one he was willing to part with when she got cold on their dates. Gripping the material around her, Lexie walked away from the couch to the bedroom, opening it to find the bed unmade, just as Mark would have left it. The man never could clean up after himself, but Lexie always found that endearing about him since she took care of him when they were together. She walked over to his side of the bed and sat down, looking at the nightstand to find the alarm clock, pager, and a planner, marked with the weekends that he was going to have Sofia. But as she flipped through it, she found something she didn't expect…photos.

They were all photos of her or the two of them. Several of her laughing and smiling when they were out with friends, but a few of the two of them were some that she had taken with her own camera and printed out so they could have them. But the one that tugged at her heart the most as she flipped through them was one he had obviously taken without her knowing. He had taken it while she was sleeping on his chest one morning or night when they were together, just after they had got back together before Callie found out she was pregnant. They had been so happy together then and she knew that she had hoped then to spend her life with him, but things happened and pushed them apart again. On the back of the photo, in Mark's chicken scratch, was something that brought her to tears.

_She makes me happier than anything I've ever known._

Lexie began to cry as she held the photo while she laid down on the bed, burying her face into his pillow to catch another glimpse of the scent of the man she loved. Sobs wracked her body as she tried to contain herself, but everything was finally hitting her for the first time since the wreck. The funeral had been surreal for her, but now…sitting in the apartment of the man she loved, without him there, she knew that it was all too real for her and that she would never see Mark again. She would never hear him laugh or berate an intern for a bone dry cappuccino. Or dirty flirt with her in the hallways because he could. All of those things were gone and she would never be able to get them back. He had loved her so much and she had never known just how much until he was dying. And she had told him that she loved him, so much, and would never leave him.

But he left her behind, with so much to pick up after all was said and done. At the funeral, she had sat with Meredith and Derek, garnering every ounce of her strength to stand up and speak for the man she loved. She remembered every word of her speech, verbatim, which was both a blessing and curse from her photographic memory.

"_Mark was…the man that I love. Loved. And there is not a day that goes by where I don't think of him and what we could have had. What we should have had… He was the most giving and selfish man I've ever known. Many of you know how that is possible just from knowing him. And I think that he's touched every single one of our lives in some way or another as a mentor, a friend, a brother, a father, or a family member. For me, he was the love of my life and I'm thankful for the time that I did have with him, even if it was nowhere near long enough. I feel like the best part of my life was the time that I spent with him. And I just want everyone to remember him for the man he was…the man who would have given anything for those that he cared for the most."_

That speech had taken everything out of Lexie that day, but she knew that she had to give it…for him.

Lying in the bed, she felt her breath evening out as she began to calm down. She reached into her pocket and brought out her phone, which she had lost on the plane, but someone found and returned to her. She hadn't turned it on since then, but she decided to and see if it still worked. By some miracle, it did, and she had a voicemail waiting for her as the screen popped up. It was from the night before the crash, but she never checked because she had to get everything ready to leave. Putting it to her ear, she felt fresh tears as the familiar voice came through.

"Lex…it's me. Listen, I want to talk to you because you didn't give me a chance to the other night. You caught me off-guard and by surprise, so I didn't have time to process everything. But I have now and I want to tell you I love you too. Even in the times when we don't see eye-to-eye, it's always been you and I want to be with you. I broke things off with Julia and I want to be with you. I'm done with the running around and I want to be with you for good. Call me back, please."

Her breath caught in her throat as she realized she could have spared them both this pain had she listened to her voicemail that night. They might have sat differently on the plane and then their lives have been spared…or they might not have gotten on that plane at all if she had shown up to his apartment that night. But the 'what ifs' would eat her alive if she kept focusing on them. She couldn't do it. Not when she knew he wouldn't want her to. Squeezing her phone, she felt the tears running down her cheeks as she sat up and looked at the nightstand again. She was going to shut the drawer when something caught her eye. A box she hadn't noticed before. Cautiously reaching in, she picked it up and opened it, gasping when she found what was inside.

A single diamond engagement ring.

Lexie knew that he had been serious with Julia, but the engraving on the inside of the band told her that this ring hadn't been for Julia. The engraving was the date she and Mark first started dating during her intern year. And beside it was a quote, "You put me back together" along the inside of the band. This ring was hers. Mark had bought a ring and was going to propose to her at some point…probably before they broke up the first time, but he had kept it all these years instead of taking it back or selling it. Holding it in her hand, she looked at it and felt the tears in her eyes welling up. They were going to get married and have this life together, but it had been robbed from them so cruelly. Lexie didn't think that was fair, but she knew that was the hand they were dealt and she was left behind to survive.

Taking the ring, she slipped the necklace she wore off, unclasping the chain before sliding the ring onto it. No one else would ever hold her heart the way Mark had and she wanted him to be with her always. Holding it against her chest, she made a promise that she would never let go of the love she and Mark shared or love another the way that she had loved him. He had given her his whole heart and she had given hers to him, but now she had to find the strength in their love to pick up the pieces of her own heart and live her life. If not for herself, then for Mark, the man who had given her so much in their short time together that she could not imagine forsaking any of it when he would want her to go on.

For him, she would live.

* * *

**A/N: I just got this idea after listening to Lea Michele pour her heart out...and there you have it. I don't own Grey's...because if I did, Lexie and Mark would both still be alive. I'm glaring at you, Shonda.**


End file.
